Healing the self - what I have learnt from my illness

"Every illness comes to teach you something."
This was a big realisation for me.

With the onset of the illness I experienced feelings of anger, guilt, blame and fear.
I could only see myself as a victim. Why me? What have I done to deserve this fate? Maybe I've done something really bad in a past life. Such negative thinking would fill my mind and make me even more miserable. I felt a crushing anxiety that I would be permanently crippled or disabled for the rest of my life. This was a terrifying prospect. I knew that I had to break these thought patterns and become more positive and optimistic; to embrace and accept my condition rather than reject or fight it.

So I began to meditate more and more. With the introspection naturally created through meditation, I began to understand the nature of my illness and also to understand myself at a much deeper level. With this came the great realisation that I alone am responsible for my life, and hence, even for my illness. So instead of fighting and blaming myself, I now began to see a much bigger picture. I began to change, at a fundamental level, my relationship with myself (i.e, myself as a being separate and distinct from my body) and the illness. Raja Yoga Meditation showed me how to become detached from my body. I began to experience myself as a spiritual being, an eternal spark of divine energy, and to recognise that my body was simply a costume, a vehicle through which I could express the real me. In this way I learnt to dis-identify with the illness - to recognise that I am not the disease; that disease is a manifestation of energies that are out of balance, blocked or dis-eased. I knew that my healing now had to begin at the spiritual and mental level first, and that healing at the physical level would follow automatically.

As my meditation practice increased, so my spiritual life began to get stronger and stronger. Fear was replaced by love, anger was replaced by peace, and ignorance by a deeper understanding and wisdom. I began to value and appreciate myself more, which led to a greater love and understanding of my real self. I began to see myself as a child that required care, love and affection; for only then can healing take place. In meditation I began to feel God's love and power filling me, restoring my strength and bringing my confidence back.

In the silence of meditation I experienced the power of thought; that within each thought there is the power to create or destroy, to heal or to damage. I recognised that my very thinking contributes to my wellbeing or to my illness. The responsibility lay with myself. I knew that I alone, with God's help, could heal myself. No medication or therapist could help me if I continued to sabotage the healing process. This awareness empowered me and as a result my self-respect grew.
I also realised that self-respect meant to transform the habit I had of trying to please others because this tendency made me feel as if I were in bondage. Developing self-respect meant becoming free emotionally, not depending on another's love and not being influenced by dislike or disregard from or for others. I started to feel valuable and worthy again because I was discovering my virtues and that my unique place in the world would unfold and reveal itself at the right time.

I've become more and more aware of the importance of being in the here-and-now with all my energy, all my thoughts, all my feelings, and to be able to tell myself in whatever moment "this is the most beautiful moment in my life because I am…I am alive to this moment, I am experiencing all of reality now. Both past and future have no reality - there is only the present moment to live in." This was the method I discovered to let go of all my worries and become carefree again.

I began to become aware of the importance of my diet and my lifestyle. Organic food, living food (uncooked) such as fruit, sprouted seeds, water, fresh juices, no diary products, etc. all became part of my daily diet. Proper deep breathing, regular exercise such as swimming and walking were essential as also was Taichi and Chigong.

Meditation at its highest level is connection to a Supreme Being, a union with the Divine. It is this union which empowers the soul and is the source of all healing, both on an individual and a global level. Meditation is a spiritual exercise. Spirituality is about seeing the truth, value and beauty of the self and sharing that with the world.

Now, looking back at the past years of suffering, I do not see it as a time that has been wasted or lost but, in fact, I consider it to be one of the most important periods of my life. One in which many valuable lessons and truths have been learnt.
My healing continues, as does my journey of discovery.